Outside!

Since spring and then summer have arrived, my babyboy and I are enjoying good weather outside every day (well, we went outside at least once every day before but obviously not as long and he used to be mostly in his push chair then). Before I was a mother I already knew that kids like to go outside but I really didn't have a clue how strong that desire is! It really is in the nature of children to leave the house and spend their time under the open sky. This can be a bit tiring at times (especially when the first thing he is saying when he gets up is "Fuhe, jaus!" (= "Schuhe, raus!" = english: "Shoes, outside!" - he is 21 months now and only learning to speak) and we haven't even had breakfast... But it is also very nice and good for me - I haven't been that tanned in ages, my mood is a lot better and I think my health has improved considerably. Even though I refuse to spend the whole day outside usually (Emil has to have his nap times every day, I have to do some housework and going outside always also means descending three stories on a staircase where I have to carry my baby who already weighs 15 kg when dressed which is quite exhausting...- that's the downside when living in an apartment in the city no matter how small that city is, we can't just go out the door into the garden and back again) but we spend several hours outdoors, either on the playground, strolling through the town, going to the swimming pool, visiting friends or the grandparents (and they have a garden!) or making small trips. Watching Emil enjoy nature is heartwarming and also very reminiscent of my childhood. I think I haven't appreciated hot temperatures and the outdoors that much since I was a child myself and I thank my toddler for giving me this life lesson (one of many lessons he taught me and is still teaching me).

Emil with one of his favorite objects these days

On the playground

Football

In the animal park in Bad Mergentheim

 

Sporty Me

I am very proud that so far I am doing yoga or a kettlebell workout every day! Okay: maybe I sometimes take one day off when I am not feeling well but who cares? I feel very fit and I can even see the benefits on my body - there are really muscles somewhere underneath my bodyfat! 

Kettlebell training 

Yoga with a spectator

But more important is that it makes me feel better. The only thing I am neglecting is the meditation/mindfulness training. And the healthier diet. I don't know why I can't bring myself to improve in this respect - I am really aware of how much I would benefit from it. However, I try not to scold myself too much for it and focus on my progress because I hope that by being positive the other resolutions will eventually be fulfilled (sorry - you probably can't say that but you get what I mean) as well. 

Last year I bought some yoga props and I don't regret the purchase. I love the yogawheel as it helps you get into asanas that are too hard for you or you are afraid of. I use the blocks mainly to work on my splits as I noticed I'm turning my hips while doing the splits and this isn't the correct way to do them. The strap is great for stretching further into certain poses. To sum it up, all of the props really help you to improve your asanas and I can really recommend them. 

I am most excited about my progress with the inversion asanas (handstand, forearmstand, headstand,...). The yogawheel mainly gives you the security to try those poses because it's mostly fear which keeps you from trying them!

Hand-, chin-, and forearmstand Training with the yogawheel 

I only started the kettlebell training because my husband did but I am very satisfied with the effect - you feel yourself getting stronger every day which is very helpful when you have to carry around a 13 kg toddler all the time. But it doesn't make me look like Arnie - thank God! 

I really hope I'll keep up the training. Maybe now that it's on my Blog it will be an even bigger incentive to do so.

Hello 2017

Unfortunately, the last quarter of 2016 has been a bit problematic for me health-wise. Nothing serious but it kept me from  keeping up the yoga routine I had taken up throughout August and September (I am blaming my very bad diet and some too extense exercises).
My health was improving in December but at the start of the New Year I caught a cold so now I have to stay in bed instead of trying to fulfill all my New Year's resolutions. But then again, even though I am not happy about it it also means that the year is very likely to improve for me. And I might not be able to start daily exercises again at the moment but I can try to eat more healthily and (very important for me) to drink more! Not alcohol though, apparently. I am trying to drink two liter of camomile tea during the day at the moment - to fight the cold mainely but I think I'll try to keep this habit up.
And even though I can't do exhausting exercises at the moment I have a new plan to do some physical exercises every day which are not exhausting - just a little stretching to train the fascia (I've read a very interesting article on the most recent research on the fascia today!).
My other resolutions are as uncreative as the above: read more, be more creative (sewing, knitting, writing, drawing...), more meditating, character-improvement (trying to be nicer and not a bitch so often), cooking, ... That's all I can think of right now. If I manage to do at least a little more than last year, I'll be content :)

Ch-ch-changes

Whoa! It's been a LONG time that I last posted something here. I feel very guilty - my numerous readers and followers (Well, hello there Marina and Anke!) must be craving for a new contribution to this blog! (I don't even know if the designation "blog" is still valid after a break that long... But anyway, here I go again!)

Of course A LOT has changed in my life! I am a mom now and my cute little baby isn't even really a baby anymore - he is my cute little toddler and apparently quite big for his age. 
Now I am a stay at home mom - and at the moment I am very happy with this arrangement. 

We also proceeded in furnishing and decorating our apartment and I am eager to post some photos of the results here :)

Well, actually, I can't think of any more changes but then again the first change is such a major one that it weighs at least ten times as heavy!

It's funny to see how sometimes your life doesn't change much for several years and then even a couple of months or even one day - or even second - can change everything! But if those changes are as positive as the ones I have been experiencing in the past 16 months I don't mind :-D

Have fun, good luck, take care!

Banana and Berry Milk Shake

At the moment, it is rather hot and humid in Germany and it is kind of hard for me as I am entering the last weeks of the pregnancy. A delicious way to cool down is this quick milk shake:

1 banana (can already be a few days old)

a handful of deep-frozen berries out of the freezer (e.g. raspberries)

a large glass of milk (how much exactly depends on what consistency you prefer)

Mix all the ingredients with a blender and enjoy! :-)

A Magic Dwells in Each Beginning...

In retrospect I have to admit that it was fairly optimistical for me to say that I'd be back soon. However, I don't want to state the reasons and it doesn't really matter anyway. Of course, a lot has happened since my last post. My husband and I decided to buy an apartment, I got pregnant, I became an auntie, my husband and I moved into the new apartment... A-many new beginnings - and Hermann Hesse was definitely right when he said "a magic dwells in each beginning"! When I remember all of the beginnings I listed above, it's like they already merged into a fairy tale kind of memory and I can almost hear myself telling my grandchildren the stories about how Timo and I found our dream apartment, how we found out that we were expecting a baby, how my little nephew entered my life or how Timo, Emma, and Leo spent the first night in our own apartment...and I can't help but smile!

:-D

The I-just-found-out-I'm-pregnant-Selfie. I'm pregnant - I'm allowed to be silly!

View from our living room.

Baby bump!

First night in the new apartment 1

First night in the new apartment 2

First night in the new apartment 3

I'm an auntie! The three of us...

The Mushroom Foray Part II

Two weeks ago, Timo, Mama and I went for a walk in the forest to look for mushrooms. It was great - a nice sunny sunday afternoon! A mushroom foray is a great mindfulness exercise: you have to be in the moment, all senses acute to be successful (or you have to be like Timo who somehow found one mushroom after the other without any real talent for it - he was just lucky I guess). The mushrooms we found (yes I found at least a small number) were very delicious and obviously edible as we're still alive.

Even though I only found few edible mushrooms I found this beautiful fella over here. Even though you can't eat it I think it is a really nice and often surreal looking mushroom. This one was illuminated by sunshine and it was just perfect for taking a picture. Timo found an edible bolete very close to it and found it hilarious that I got abstracted because of this poisonous one but I am very happy about having found it and having taken this photo!

PS: Yes, I just ignored the fact that I have been absent from this blog for nearly three months. I started a new job and just haven't been in the mood. But now I start to get used to it so I guess I'll be back soon:)

Home

A long time has passed since my last blog post! I enjoyed my last month in Galway a lot, I even went swimming three times (twice on a very nice and warm day - even the jelly fish couldn't scare Marina and me)! My sisters organized a wonderful good-bye party for me and the Irish sky provided a breath-taking background for the scene. Especially during my last week I was experiencing a very confusing alternation of feelings - sometimes I just couldn't wait to see Timo, the cats, my Mama, and my parents in law again, sometimes I would suddenly and unexpectedly burst out crying because I knew I would soon be leaving Galway, my sisters, my brothers-in-law (ok, one of'em is just my brother-in-law to be), the mad cat, and my friends behind.

Back in Germany I really needed some time to settle back in again - weirdly enough it seemed to be harder than my first month in Galway! And the settling in hasn't even concluded but that's probably also due to the fact that I haven't found a job yet (and so I still haven't got a real everyday life). On the other hand, it maybe isn't that weird really because the three months were like a break from my normal life and when you have such a break you start to reconsider some things and maybe even start to change your mind on certain views. For example, I now can imagine to move to a bigger city if I can find a good (trainee) job there - even if it means that Timo and I would see each other less often. I guess some of our friends and family think our marriage might be in a crisis but actually I think that it has become stronger in a way. And I am proud to see how Timo still supports me (except maybe my plan to get a number of tattoos). I don't really have a lot of love for myself (something I know I need to work on) so it is absolutely touching to see that someone loves you so much that he even likes the things about you he actually doesn't like...well, you know what I mean!

So, what can I say? This still is a very unsteady period of my life and I don't have a clue where my path is leading. To be honest, it scares the shit out of me sometimes but - and this shows that I really have changed in Ireland - sometimes I just can't wait to find out!

Elephants

As a kid I was a huge fan of elephants. I had elephants everywhere: on my bed sheets, my clothes, as toys, and I even owned a golden necklace with a small elephant pendant and two matching earrings. I can't remember how this obsession had started in the first place but my parents always said it probably was the elephant scene in Disney's Jungle Book.

As with most obsessions, this one gradually diminished while I was growing up. However, elephants are still (or maybe have become again?) animals that somehow always impress me very much. I can sit and watch a picture of elephants for ages and especially looking into their eyes (yes, even in a picture) touches me deeply.

I don't know if it's a coincidence that I find myself now - at such an important point in my life at which I'm trying to find out who I really am - in a house that features elephants as a recurring theme. But somehow it seems to make sense, doesn't it?

"Jumbo wants to be a hippo" by Lionel Gallagher,
illustrations by my sister :-)

Running, a Trendsetter, and the Joy of Doing the Laundry

Before I went to Galway, I was a bit worried that I wouldn't find a job, there making my whole quest for identity and independence a farce, as it would have been my husband who would have financed the whole thing then. But - yay - I found a job which at least gives me the feeling of not being totally dependent and egotistic! The only drawback of my job (and not a real one either) is the working time. I start at midday and work until 9 and my weekend is actually a weekstart as it is shifted to Monday and Tuesday. That's actually not too bad but you have to get used to it and as yet I haven't. But this also means that I was able to enjoy the really nice weather yesterday and today. I went running on both days and once again was deeply impressed by the beauty of the countryside in Barna. I really need to go running more often as I deeply felt how good it is for me - especially in such picturesque surroundings!

At the moment I am living in Marina's house. Living with her means living in the cutest little chalet which smells like her incense sticks or aromatherapy oils, is full of color and has a wonderful view of the sea and the hills of the Burren. It also means that there is the ritual newspaper purchase every saturday (I think it's The Guardian) and Sunday (The Sunday Times). One of my favorite parts of this newspaper is the Style mag. Curiously enough, a lot of the "trends" presented in this magazine are not at all new to me as I usually have already encountered them in Marina's lifestyle. I remember her telling me of her new favorite smoothy called The Green Monster way before green smoothies were promoted as the beauty secret of stars and wannabes. Last week the latest beauty update was coconut oil which can be used for cooking, as a butter substitute, and for hair and skin!... oh really? Marina's been using this for ages! Another article analized the sudden popularity of kale. My suggestion is that there must be a style spy in my sister's wardrobe who constantly checks what will become trendy in the next season because ... kale? A new trend? Not for her!
Today I was able to enjoy a Green Monster after running and take in the sea view through her kitchen window. It was such a nice and sunny day and I was buzzing with energy. I also tried out mindful hanging out of the laundry which was just as relaxing and enjoyable as the washing up experience (which didn't remain a single event). But I must admit that it's a lot easier to enjoy this task when you have to hang up colorful fabrics on a clothes line outside in the sun!

running view

The Green Monster

Laundry Joy

A Lesson in Mindfulness

A couple of days ago, I was so tired after dinner that I asked Anke if it was alright not help her do the washing up (even though she had been to work that day whereas I...hadn't!). I might even have mentioned that it was a pity she hadn't got a dish washer (I am a real pain in the arse sometimes). But in the last few days, I have repeatedly stumbled across the idea of mindfulness (both Anke and Marina are trying to stick to it+I read about it in differerent books and magazines). And I also learned that doing the washing up is actually a good way to practice mindfulness. So when Marina had to check her emails after dinner tonight, I just tried it. I did the washing up. Naturally, it wasn't my first time to do it but it was the first time for me to do it WHILE I WAS REALLY THERE. MENTALLY-WISE. It was a whole new experience and was actually...fun (in the sense that I really seemed to enjoy it). Eg. some views I had stroke me as strangely beautiful. After I had finished my task, I tried to imitate some of those "views" - although that wasn't really succesful. I'll post them anyway because they still convey (if somewhat evanesced) what I experienced:

My first week in Galway

I arrived in Galway last thursday, the 27th of February. It was hard to say good bye to my family and cats but tried to do it the short-and-sweet way so I wasn't all in tears the whole time. I started the journey with an annoying cold which turned into a full sickness during my travel affecting my ears (terrible aching during the flight, half deaf afterwards), my nose (constantly running - I'm still sorry for the poor fella who was sitting next to me on the bus to Galway), throat (sore), and lungs (painful cough).

As if this wasn't enough, my sister's kitten had disappeared the night before. It really was a dramatic start for me in Galway. But things started to improve by friday night with the kitten reappearing just 30 minutes before Anke's birthday (and it certainly would have been a sad birthday without him). By sunday I was feeling a lot better and I think I'll be completely fine again by next week when hopefully the only one running will be I and not my nose!

Due to my sickness, I haven't done much to find an employment for my time in Ireland. However, I managed to apply for my pps number and to update my application forms.

But even without a job I will be busy, I guess: all those things that I never got round to do are on my to do list now and lacking time is not a valid excuse for idleness any more!

I am very excited about staying here for such a long time and I hope it will give me a new perspective on things because in the end isn't this what travelling is all about?

DIY: New colors for an old bedstand

During the Christmas holidays I was finally able to work on an old bedstand Mama still had in her basement.It was quite old - though not the good kind of old: just an ugly 70s or 80s piece of furniture for a kid's room.

I bought black acrylic color, brittle lacquer, dark pink acrylic paint, and a top coat. I started with the black paint as a  base:

Then I used the brittle lacquer:

After that, I applied the pink color. I didn't water the paint down a little - that's probably why the cracks are that big. I initially wanted them to be finer but then again chance is a great companion in art and I really like the result: it's far more edgy!

Finally, I was able to apply the top coat (a matt paint). To complete the bedstand, I then changed the knobs: I had found some very nice china knobs with an antique look (they were actually the initial source for the idea to paint that old bedstand).

I am definitely content with the result! And it feels so good to "DIY"! Unfortunately, Timo and I haven't got enough space in our apartment to place it anywhere...so we have to find a new and bigger apartment, I guess ;-)

Time

A lot has been said and written about time. And yet we never tire of being amazed again and again about how differently we perceive it. January is a good example for me because it seems to have rushed by in a second!

I am starting to get a bit nervous now because March is approaching and I will spend some months in Ireland with my sisters. I wonder how the time will feel when I am there: Will it pass quickly or slowly or both (time has that contradictory ability)?
I am definitely looking forward to going to Galway: I will be with my sisters, go for walks on the sea shore regularly and maybe find out what I want from life (it's my own little quest for identity - a Paul Austerean journey westwards... I must read Moonpalace again!!!).
Still, it won't be easy on the other hand because I'm leaving behind my husband, my cats, and my parents (my Mama and my parents in law). It will be a challenge but I am sure that I will have learned a lot by the end of those three months.

I can't believe that Christmas was over a month ago! Or that it's 3 weeks since I drove Marina to the airport. Or that I am married for three years now. Tic, toc, tic, toc - it sometimes nearly drives me crazy, you know! Not the audio aspect of time, though. I never had a problem with that. Maybe because I grew up in a house with a big (and pretty noisy) pendulum clock. Visitors would always say that the ongoing tic-toc would annoy them after a while and the loud gong when it stroke the half-hours sometimes made them wince. However, it never was a problem for me because I was so used to it -time had taught me to live with it -and even to cherish it in a way: when the clock suddenly wasn't working any more Mama's house felt different. Quieter. Sadder. But after a couple of years (and again we all had grown used to the new quietness, though we never enjoyed it) Mama finally had it fixed again. I was astonished how familiar the sound was. Even though it was muted for several years, it just sounded right again. The quick passing of time might drive me crazy but the tic-toc of that old clock only underlines the positive aspect of passing time: Seize it! Enjoy it! Give it the possibility to become the time of your life!

Now that's a groundbreaking and novel idea, right? As I said: A lot has been said and written - and repeated over the years. TIME to finally learn our lessons, then.
YOLO :-P

Christmas Time

Magical Moon I 

As for so many, Christmas time to me means family time. My husband and I grab our cats and go to my Mama's house where we usually stay for about three weeks. It's also the time when my sister comes to visit. My other sister and my brother in law won't come this year because they are celebrating Christmas with his family this time. However, they came for a short December visit two weeks ago.

Due to the Christmas Markets, the Advent sundays, and the Advent Calendars the whole December is a magical time in Germany. Some of my most Christmassy moments I have captured in photos (unfortunately I don't have a photo of my sister and her husband on the Heidelberg Christmas Market...).

Expecto Patronum - very nice decoration at the Wertheim Village 

Magical moon II

Luis pays a visit!

Marina arrives at the airport.

A visitor at my workplace.

Oma

“Oma” is German and means “Grandma” or “Granny”. It’s pronounced /’o:ma/.

Even though I am composing this text in English I will keep on calling Oma “Oma” because that’s what I have called her all my life and a translation wouldn’t capture the true meaning of this word for me.

There are two reasons why I am writing this for my Oma: The first is that last October was the 10^th anniversary of Oma’s day of death. The second is that Oma was one of my first heroines and it is not exaggerated to say that that’s what she will always be to me. She looked like a cute little old woman, charming and caring but she also must have been very, very strong and brave indeed. Some might call her a feminist – not because of the things she said but rather the things she did. As a child, the most obvious hint for me that she was different was that she was wearing trousers and not dresses and an apron. How modern! The other thing was not so easy to see because it was so normal for me that it took some time to realize: Oma was living alone and not with Grandfather. When I finally realized this and asked Mama, I would get the answer that she had left Grandfather and I wouldn’t ask further.

Later, bit by bit I learned the whole story but I never mentioned it to Oma herself and neither did she. Except once that is. Aged 80 she was sitting with my Mama at the table and I was passing by when she said (to Mama not to me but she knew that I was within earshot) “Do you think it was right? That I left Papa, I mean.” To be frank we were shocked! Mama answered and I didn’t dare to interrupt them but in the retrospective and with what I know today I should have jumped to her, grabbed her, hugged her and should have said just two words: “Yes, Oma!”

Of course, as usual, I used to have two Omas but I’m writing this for my “Wertheim-Oma” – my Oma who had been living in Wertheim, hence the pet name. However, Wertheim was not her hometown. In fact, my little Wertheim-Oma had made quite a journey until she was finally able to settle in what was to become her place of death!

Oma was born in a town in Silesia and was an only child. I understand that her grandparents whom she visited quite often were more or less well-off – not really rich I think but they were able to live in a neat little city house with one of those beautiful iron-cast balconies at the front. Whenever we saw such balconies she would smile happily and tell us grandchildren: “My grandparents used to live in a house with such a balcony a long, long time ago!”

When I think of Oma I usually picture her on a balcony as well – even though not such a beautiful one. I see her waving us good-bye from her balcony in Wertheim – not a very nice one actually with corrugated iron sheet in a wine red color but still nice in the way that for all my life this was Oma’s balcony. She would always step out and watch us walking to our parking space. Even though it is now 10 years since Oma died I can still see her when I pass the house where she used to live.

Poor Oma was not born into happy times. She was 10 years old when Hitler came to power and 22 at the end of WWII. She married her husband when she was 19 years old. I wonder whether she really was in love with him or not or whether back then he treated her nicely. We have postcards which at least give you the impression that as a young couple they were quite affectionate. But this fact actually makes their whole story only even sadder.

We don’t have a wedding photo of them – they went to a photographer but Grandfather was a soldier and Oma was also forced to work away from home. They had taken home leave for getting married and the family members they left behind had to flee before they were able to collect the pictures.

After the war, Oma and Grandfather were lucky enough to be in West Germany (unlike Oma’s parents) but it took some time until they found a place to stay. In 1948 Oma’s first child was born, my uncle. Later they found a place to settle in Baden-Wuerttemberg where in 1949 my Mama was born in a refugee home. Eventually by the help of the war refugee integration scheme they were able to move into a house there. However, life still was not easy: Grandpa wasn’t allowed to work in the profession that he had learned (he was a butcher) and had to work hard to earn at least a little money – maybe one aspect which made him turn into an alcoholic in the end. Oma mostly cared for their four children – after my uncle and Mama two other girls followed. Already when the children were small Grandfather had turned into a traditional patriarch – beating the children up for no good reason at all, only giving Oma little money to care for the household and prepare the meals and then reprimanding her for not buying enough meat. I know that my Grandfather had had a tough life – losing his father at the age of 4 in WWI, his mother marrying his cruel uncle, himself not being able to work in the profession he had chosen and earning more money. However, you always have a choice and because of the way he treated his family he more than deserved it that his wife left him in the end.

Even though Oma and her family might had found a place to stay, they weren’t treated as normal residents: the stain of being a refugee was not to be removed for some time. But even though they never had much money, Oma insisted that her children went to the Gymnasium – the highest secondary school form in Germany preparing the pupils for an academic career. This was far from being usual at that time! Oma was an ardent lover of proverbs and one of her favorite ones was “Nobody can steal what you have in your head!”.

Grandfather’s behavior got worse over the years. When Mama, my uncle and my aunt had already moved out of the house, my other aunt, the baby of the family, and Oma sometimes had to lock themselves in to prevent Grandfather focusing his anger at them when he was drunk. He even used psychological terror and put a knife in his little bedside cabinet threatening Oma to kill her.

Oma endured all this for years and years. Maybe for her children’s sake. The situation had to deteriorate even further until she finally took action. My other aunt had moved out and married and with all the children out of the house Grandfather’s behavior worsened. When Oma had to get her thyroid operated and came out of the hospital with a fresh operation wound and Grandfather forced her to remove the water from the basement after a small inundation, watching his weakened wife while she was doing the hard work and sneering at her, the urging of her children finally persuaded her to leave him. Remember, this was at a time when divorces were absolutely inacceptable and leaving your spouse was also out of the question for most people!

As Mama was already living in Wertheim, she and her brother and sisters decided to rent a flat for Oma there. My aunt collected Oma from the house where (against the plan) Grandfather was also there and certainly not pleased to learn that he was now being left alone by his wife! I only know little of how he reacted. Of course he was angry, also with his children. However, he stopped reprimanding them when they threatened to stop visiting him. Naturally, the relationship of the children towards their father was never a warm and loving one. Later, when he was staying in an old-people’s home one of the geriatric nurses once reproached Mama for coming to visit her father that seldom – but actually it was quite nice of them not to break the contact completely!

Oma was not even 60 when she came to Wertheim, the place where she finally found something which came at least close to a home. But Mama told me that she looked like 80 back then due to the operation and maltreatment of Grandfather.

Social relationships, e.g. the Wertheimer Silesian Club or the senior gymnastics and of course a whole bunch of grandchildren helped her recover soon!

She never had a relationship to another man again. I think she was through with that! In some ways this was a pity because she really was a charming woman. I remember her accompanying me to the orthodontist. After the treatment she asked him whether he remembered her: “We once danced at  a dance event together!”. She was probably 30 years older than him but she was looking all flirty and attractive, smiling at him a smile that you could not help to return! She was not really trying to chat him up, of course, but then and there it struck me that she must have been a damn good catch at her time. Well, Grandpa, your loss!!!

One of the few times when I talked to Oma about Grandfather was when she called us to tell us that he had died. Mama and Papa were still at work so I answered the phone and there she told me. I was 9 years old and was confused to hear that news from her as they never really belonged together for me and I didn’t know how to react (his death, on the other side, wasn’t a real shock as he had been very ill for a long time and as he never knew how to treat his grandchildren he was not much closer to me than a stranger). Of course I was sad but during that phone call I was rather worried about what his death meant to Oma.

I’d love to see her happier time in Wertheim as her happy ending, but real life usually mixes too much drama in and true happy endings are rare. Oma developed dementia in her last years and I guess also a sort of geriatric depression.

She still missed Silesia very much and often told stories about her childhood there. But the mood of her stories had changed – she only seemed to want to get as much stories across as possible rattling on in a monotonous voice without seeming to realize you were sitting in front of her. I still remember how she told me about one exceptionally cold winter where she went ice skating on the river and had frostbite on her toes afterwards. I have heard this story several times but I remember it how she told it for me the last time. It was the day of her death and I somehow had the feeling while listening to her that part of her were already gone – a common feeling when meeting a person suffering from dementia. The world turns into a hostile place for them because they often don’t understand it anymore or – even worse – they realize in their clear moments that their brain doesn’t work properly anymore.

Today we know that you’re not supposed to convince a dement person when they misunderstand something – back then we didn’t know and this lead to several disputes with her (I especially remember when Oma and my aunt visited me in hospital and my aunt had a quarrel with Oma because she insisted that she never had heard of carnival in her whole life).

Also, I still have to cry when I imagine how my Oma had her hair made for the celebration of her 80^th birthday with the Silesian Club and was waiting in the restaurant in vain for her visitors because she got mixed up with the date of the Silesian Club meeting! I was so sorry when Mama asked how it was and she told us in an upset manner “Nobody came!”.

Still, she sometimes had clear moments. Oma spend the weekend of Mama’s 54^th birthday at our place and on Sunday she and Mama were sitting at the table together and I passed by as she asked her the question I told you before. I held my breath and couldn’t move for a moment. After all these years she wasn’t sure whether her decision had been right! The question caught Mama out of the blue. Surprised and nearly impatiently she said “Yes!” (a very elongated “yes”). “Yes, of course Mama.” I can’t remember if I stayed longer but I think I left the room out of decorum. However, as I said before, I wish I had gone to her and shouted: “Yes, Oma”. And I wish I had told her that I had the greatest respect for her for leaving her husband in a time where this was far from being normal or even socially acceptable! I wish I had told her how she was (and will always be) my heroine! In some way, life in the end was merciful to her. “One stroke in old age and that’s it.” That’s what she always said how she imagined a death with dignity.

The day of her death Mama and I had decided to take her to us, because we realized that finally she wasn’t able to live alone anymore. We received the phone call in the evening. Her neighbors said that Oma had collapsed in the staircase while talking to a neighbor and friend of her. Mama, Timo and I rushed to her. Timo waited downstairs to show the paramedics the way as soon as they arrived. Mama and I went upstairs.

There Oma was lying, part of her face strangely distorted – an effect of the stroke she had suffered. She wasn’t addressable any more. Mama turned to me to say something (I have forgotten what it was) when Oma opened her mouth for the last time and babbled something. Maybe it meant nothing. But for Mama and me “Traudl” was discernible. Traudl was Oma’s pet name for Mama. Mama rushed to her. “Yes, Mama, I am here. Everything will be fine!” I am very happy for Oma and for Mama that they had this moment together. Oma’s last time she had seen her own mother must have been some kind of trauma for her: Her mother was in quarantine in hospital and Oma wasn’t allowed to approach her. She looked at her through a window several meters away and they were only able to wave goodbye to each other. We’ll never know whether Oma really was trying to call Mama but I am convinced that Oma was still there and was able to feel Mama’s and my presence. The paramedics soon arrived. Oma had suffered a severe stroke and the doctor later told Mama and my aunt that if she survived, she would be a complete nursing case.

I woke up during the night because the telephone rang. I heard how my Mama stood up and took the call. I heard her leave the house and only then stood up. She had left a note: “Oma has passed away. I’m in the hospital. Kiss, Mama.”

Despite my grieve I was relieved: That was what she would have wanted!

I feel sorry for my little Oma when I think of how many things went wrong in her life. So at least she had deserved a quick death without ailment. When I pass the house with the flat that her children had rented for her so that she could leave her husband, I look up to the topmost balcony on the left and there I can still see her watching me and waving towards me. Oma, you want to know whether it was right to leave grandfather? Yes, Oma, nothing could have been more right and I am and will always be proud of you!